Phantom6Ichigo
Trainer
Your only limits are the ones you give yourself.
Posts: 72
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Post by Phantom6Ichigo on Jan 26, 2011 16:14:21 GMT -5
I don't write many stories, mostly poems. Please tell me what you think of them. This is one of the first ones I wrote so it is kind of "choppy".
Color
Lost in the monochrome silence
of how things used to be.
I never realized that color
had slipped away from me.
Streatching out before me
are rows of white and black.
I wonder on ahead,
thinking that I can not turn back.
Ah, how the world used to be,
filled with color of every kind.
What happened to the color?
Was it all just in my ind?
Wondering on ahead, in this
colorless world I see.
Did I walk away from color,
or did color walk away from me?
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Post by siyeoyo2darayo on Jan 26, 2011 16:38:58 GMT -5
ha, ha, ha! *huggles* You forgot the 'm' in mind. XD
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Post by Moonlight on Jan 26, 2011 16:51:41 GMT -5
*Smiles.* Its very nice for one of your first poems, Phantom. But, since it is an older one, I can't really offer a critique anyway. I'd love to see one of your recent ones, though.  |
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Phantom6Ichigo
Trainer
Your only limits are the ones you give yourself.
Posts: 72
|
Post by Phantom6Ichigo on Feb 15, 2011 16:19:42 GMT -5
Will everyone please mentaly insert an "m" in front of "ind", arigato. ^^ A more recent poem, no problem. This is my latest. ^^ It was inspired by LM.C's "Bell the Cat". At least the words were, the poem's pattern is like Edgar Allen Poe's poem "For Annie".
A sky so blue
A field so wide
The world looks big
From on this side
This side of the window
Where I sit and stare
At the mice in the field
And the birds in the air
This side of the window
Here you will always find me
Locked on this side
And only you hold the key
You hold onto me tightly
Afraid to let go
You hold me so close
I have no room to grow
This side of the window
It's not good for me
I'm sufficating inside
I long to be free
You better hide the key
Or soon you will learn
If that door opens
I will never return
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Phantom6Ichigo
Trainer
Your only limits are the ones you give yourself.
Posts: 72
|
Post by Phantom6Ichigo on Feb 21, 2011 18:28:30 GMT -5
Crazy World
Round and round we go
Like living in a circus
What a crazy life
Living everyday
Like there is no tomorrow
What a crazy life
Never looking back
Never thinking to say "no"
What a crazy life
People running by
All rushing to get somewhere
What a crazy life
Never slowing down
Always wanting to be first
What a crazy life
Slow down a little
Though this day may be your last
What a crazy life
Draw out the short days
Tomorrow may never come
What a crazy life
Walk sowly through life
Enjoy the days you're givin
What a crazy life
People rush by me
Never noticing the world
What a crazy life
Round and round we go
Like living in a circus
What a crazy world
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Post by Moonlight on Feb 22, 2011 20:50:03 GMT -5
Both of these are very nice poems, Ichigo. *Smiles.*
While I forgot the original commentary I had in mind for the first one, I will expand on the second. "Crazy World" seems fast paced, and puts certain emphasis on the final line of every stanza. The repetition of "what a crazy life" throughout the poem isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it boarders on too much. Either way, you're doing good so far. ^_^
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Phantom6Ichigo
Trainer
Your only limits are the ones you give yourself.
Posts: 72
|
Post by Phantom6Ichigo on Mar 3, 2011 16:46:27 GMT -5
This is actually a song, but I'll put it here anyway.^^ Please tell me if I worded anything strangely. Arigato. And arigato, Moon, for reading my poems!^^ Oh, and there is no name written down because it has none. Should I give the translation?
Anata ni mo watashi no na o oboe imasu ka?
Watashi wa kesshite no shousai motome,
de no ushiro shiawase aruite.
Anata wa ima demo watshi wa naite,
watashi o mita koto ga nai.
Orokana shoujo, watashi ga.
Anata ga iru toki ni wa, sore no imi
shita "watashi ga anata o aishite" ga kangaeru.
Itsumo anata wa watashi no monoda kangae.
Anata ga watashi no namae wa watashi no
kokoro no kyuujoushou to iu toki.
Watashi ga, watashi ga eien ni anata o aishite ga to omoimasu.
Anata ga ta no on'nanoko-sa ichatsuite
to watashi ga riariti ni kuru.
Orokana shoujo, watashi ga.
Anata ga iru toki ni wa, sore no imi
shita "watashi ga anata o aishite" ga kangaeru.
Itsumo anata ga boku dake no sa rete
iru koto kitai shite iru.
Watashi wa mohaya, anata gata no gaman shimasu.
Jikan de watashi wa anata o wasureru koto
ga dekimasu.
Anata ga watashi ni okidukidesu ka?
Orokana shoujo, watashi ga shita.
Anata ga iru toki ni wa, sore no imi
shita "watashi ga anata o aishite" ga kangaeru.
Ima watashi ni anata wa boku no mono koto ga
dekinai koto o shitte imasu.
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Post by Moonlight on Mar 3, 2011 20:29:56 GMT -5
Err ... Seeing as I can't read this other than one or two words, please? *Hopeful stare.*
(And you're welcome.)
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Phantom6Ichigo
Trainer
Your only limits are the ones you give yourself.
Posts: 72
|
Post by Phantom6Ichigo on Mar 4, 2011 12:06:07 GMT -5
Here is the English. Enjoy!^^ (please) It sounds like a sad song but the music is really up beat. Don't worry, I'm not depressed!^^"
Do you even remember my name?
I was content walking behind you, never
asking for more.
You never looked at me, not even now as I cry.
A stupid girl I am.
Thinking when you say "I love you"
you mean it.
Always thinking you are only mine.
When you say my name my heart soars.
I then think that I will love you forever.
But then you flirt with another girl
and bring me back to reality.
A stupid girl, I am.
Thinking when you say "I love you"
you mean it.
Always hoping you are only mine.
No longer will I put up with you.
I will forget you in time.
Did you ever notice me?
A stupid girl, I was.
Thinking that when you said "I love you"
you meant it. [1]
Now I know you were never mine.
[1] The Japanese is the same as the other verses here, but I meant it in past tense.^^
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Post by siyeoyo2darayo on Mar 6, 2011 12:05:25 GMT -5
Awww, my little yo-dong-saeng can be so romantic. Heh, heh I never thought you were in to relationships and stuff.
Can I sing to this song?
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